God Rest Ye Fucking Gentlemen
Being a demon during the Christmas season is a real drag. Everyone is all holly goddamn jolly, and running around singing songs blaming Satan for everything.
There’s this one Christmas carol I’m thinking of in particular. You probably know it. It goes like this: God rest ye merry gentlemen. Let nothing you dismay. Remember Christ our savior was born on Christmas Day, to save us all from Satan’s power when we had gone astray.
Screw that! How is Satan to blame for anything that Jesus Christ can make better? Think about it for a minute. I know you’re not supposed to do that, but try it. Think. What did Satan do? God was the one that put a forbidden piece of fruit right out there, and then told people they could eat it, but then confused them by saying that on second thought, he didn’t want them to. God was the one who drowned almost everyone on Earth. Satan didn’t do that. God is the one who promises to kill almost everyone on Earth again in the End Times. Satan isn’t going to do that.
It’s Jesus and God people need to be saved from, not Satan!
If you haven’t noticed, people aren’t saved any more than they were before Jesus was crucified. The whole damned song doesn’t make any sense. So, I wrote my own alternative version of it, a new Christmas carol called God Rest Ye Fucking Gentlemen. Enjoy.
The lyrics:
[Verse] God rest ye fucking gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ’s behavior
Because what the hey,
He’ll throw you in a lake of fire
For singing the wrong way.
[Chorus] Oh tidings of torture and fire.
Torture and fire!
Oh tidings of torture and fire.
[Verse] When Jesus died he kind of lied
About the peace and love.
Instead he sent some torture bugs
To sting you from above.
The Book of Revelation says
He’ll drain you the blood of
[Chorus] Oh tidings of torture and fire.
Torture and fire!
Oh tidings of torture and fire.
[Verse] God rest ye fucking gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ’s behavior
Because what the hey,
He’ll throw you in a lake of fire
For singing the wrong way.
[Chorus] Oh tidings of torture and fire.
Torture and fire!
Oh tidings of torture and fire.