Two Demonic Christmas Carols
The angel Limenalia guest hosts this episode of The Demonic Bible podcast, as a favor to her friend Fides Certum.
She understood she would be introducing two Christmas carols. She did not know that they would be demonic Christmas carols produced by the demon Rogatio.
Hi. My name is Limenalia. I am the heavenly angel of in-between places and times. I was asked by the demon that runs this podcast, Rogatio, to come on here and take his place today.
I agreed to do it because he said I wouldn't have to do anything but introduce a couple of Christmas carols. I love Christmas carols! I don't like these Christmas carols, though. They are, I have to say, rather demonic.
This first Christmas carol actually requests a godless Christmas, as if there is some kind of problem with Christians sharing the love of Jesus with people. Well, my word is my bond, so here it is, the new song, A Godless Christmas.
[ The Christmas carol plays]
[Verse]
Oh, I love freshly fallen snow
And warm feet by the fire,
A mug of hot cocoa
And frosted cookies too.
But when they sing of Jesus Christ their savor who was born on Christmas day to save us all from Satan’s power when we had gone astray…
It turns me off.
It turns me away.
[Chorus]
I want a Christmas of peace
And no holy nights
And no preaching about all my sin.
I have seen enough
Of the fury of faith to say
Let’s keep this a godless Christmas.
[Verse]
The same people who say
They want Christ back in Christmas
Hold too much hate
in their hearts.
They send masked men to drag my neighbors away. They take food from the hungry and medicine from the sick, so stop telling me I should fall down on my knees and pray…
It turns me off.
It turns me away.
[Chorus]
I want a Christmas of peace
And no holy nights
And no preaching about all my sin.
I have seen enough
Of the fury of faith to say
Let’s keep this a godless Christmas.
[Bridge]
Do you really think that
We all haven’t heard all your lines
About Jesus Christ on his throne?
We see how your churches
All stand behind hate,
So please won’t you leave us alone?
[Chorus]
I want a Christmas of peace
And no holy nights
And no preaching about all my sin.
I have seen enough
Of the fury of faith to say
Let’s keep this a godless Christmas.
[Bridge]
Please let me be jolly
Amidst all the holly.
It has nothing really
To do with your Bible!
What did you think of that? I thought it was quite rude, but this next Christmas carol is even more crude. It casts aspersions on the Lord Jesus Christ, which, although literally true, lack a certain context. I promised to introduce this Christmas carol, but I am not going to say its name! You will have to figure that out for yourself.
[ The Christmas carol plays]
God rest ye fucking gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ’s behavior
Because what the hey,
He’ll throw you in a lake of fire
For singing the wrong way.
[Chorus] Oh tidings of torture and fire.
Torture and fire!
Oh tidings of torture and fire.
[Verse] When Jesus died he kind of lied
About the peace and love.
Instead he sent some torture bugs
To sting you from above.
The Book of Revelation says
He’ll drain you the blood of
[Chorus] Oh tidings of torture and fire.
Torture and fire!
Oh tidings of torture and fire.
Okay. There you have it. You have now heard two demonic Christmas carols written and performed especially for this podcast by our resident demon. You may now resume your regularly scheduled Christmas activities.
I think I need to take a shower!